SUDDEN DEATH

I had a different movie locked and loaded for today. It was a movie I goaded a fine chap into purchasing for me just for today's entry. I was all pumped up, psyched to write about it. It was billed as "the world's first erotic martial arts action comedy.' I couldn't wait to unwrap it and get dueling action and boobie erections and somehow transfer that into words.

Then I watched Jean Claude Van Damme brutally pummel a lady in a giant Penguin mascot costume. I knew that fate (and insomnia) had intervened, and I just had to share this glory with you. Don't worry though, poorly made ninja erotica will be next week. But for today, let's watch The Muscles from Brussels roundhouse kick some guys in the face.

Before we begin, I can't really say I can comment too much on the technical side of things. This movie actually has some passable acting, even if the one-liners are lacking. JCVD was never one for pithy bon mots anyway. Plus this was during the era where Stallone and Schwarzenegger kinda backed off a little bit, so it was up to JCVD and Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren to keep 80's action alive amidst a sea of mid-90's wuss heroes.  Alive and straight-to-video.

The only real problem, if you can call it that, with this flick is that once the action starts rolling, it never stops, and it's going lightning quick. I can't remember exactly when each set piece took place. I can vaguely put them on a time line but goddamn so much happens so quickly it is like they are apologizing for the couple "bonding with children" scenes this flick has.

Also, the special effects weren't too bad. I was actually kind of shocked by how neat and clean everything was pulled off. What makes this movie special isn't any of the incompetence of the things behind the camera. No, it is just the sheer insanity of what is on the screen.

Let's begin, shall we?

Sudden Death opens with fireman JCVD trapped under burning rubble as a child burns to death. Apparently doing the splits did not prepare him greatly for tackling a burning building. The makers of this movie felt this was literally all we needed to see of his firefighting career. After this little bit of business, we immediately cut to two years later.

It made me wonder. Was JCVD even a good fireman? Had he successfully rescued people before? Where were all the other firefighters as he lay pinned under way too much rubble? Was he trying to play hero? And was playing hero that which got him burned?

Did I write the above paragraph just to end in a pun? Are these rhetorical questions annoying?

Anyway, being a bad firefighter lead to JCVD getting divorced and also becoming a security guard. As a security guard, he can now take his two kids to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup for free. You know, I think that is actually a pretty sweet deal. All you gotta do is deal with some drunken roustabouts every now and again and no children can be burned to death in front of you to make you question everything. Plus, free hockey. And as a Belgian action star pretending to be a Canadian security guard living in Pittsburgh, that is a big deal.

Oh and the Vice President of the United States is going to be at this game too. That is kind of a big deal, as well! I guess the president was too busy watching Friends or something to care about hockey.

While JCVD is busy being the best weekend dad ever, evil terrorists are slowly setting up the stupidest plan of all time. Apparently it begins with hassling an old woman. Seriously, these terrorists are dicks. All hasslin' her, makin' her feed them and call people left and right.

We will fast forward through a lot of set-up and get straight to what the plan is:

The evil terrorist has kidnapped the Vice President and all the people that were with him in a sky box. He shoots a couple to get his point across and have some corpse smell to really highlight the predicament they are in. He has planted bombs all over the arena. He wants billions of dollars, but knows that, in order to facilitate the plot, the VP can't give him all this cash money at once. So,  if he doesn't have a certain amount of money before the end of each period of play, he is going to murder everyone and blow up the stadium.

It's a pretty ridiculous plan, but I wonder if the title will come into play in his evil machinations? I can't imagine it will.

We kind of dawdle around a bit as the terrorist talks tough and JCVD talks with his kids and exciting hockey action happens(this movie is at least 40% just watching a hockey game).Then, finally the shit gets real. JCVD's daughter has to go potty, and her no-good brother wants nothing to do with escorting her to the facilities. He's kind of a dick and idolizes lowly hockey players instead of a true American hero like his father (who played a little hockey in Canada). The son smack talks dad a little bit, so the daughter walks off in a huff. A urine-infused huff.  Little girl wanders into the ladies room and sees that the lady who played the mascot penguin has been murdered and replaced with a terrorist. 

The daughter tries to get away clean after being traumatized for life but gets abducted after the terrorist kills a bunch of people and runs out of bullets to shoot her. Terrorists do not believe in extra ammunition, it would seem. I guess they have learned that in the right hands, a gun only runs out of bullets when everyone you want killed is dead. In an action movie, at least. Clearly this gun was in the wrong hands. No terrorist is All-State Insurance.

JCVD returns to his son after doing, well, I have no idea what he was doing, but it had to be more important than spending time with his kids. He questions his son, who totally just dismisses it because hockey is going on. JCVD then goes on a frantic search to find her.

You'll notice that, right now, the only kill under JCVD's belt is one due to negligence. How can this be an amazing action movie without some kills right? Well, see, Sudden Death wants to lull you in a sense of false confidence. You are certain that this may just be a bloodless coup. Maybe JCVD will sneak his way up to the penthouse box, rescue everyone, and take out the bad guys without using lethal force. Maybe JCVD is going to tap into his inner Batman.

Nope. Wrong. Not even remotely close to what happens in this movie.

See, JCVD does a little searching for his missing daughter. He runs into the kitchen area of the stadium, and, well, this happens:

Yes. That is correct. The first actiony thing JCVD does is murder a woman dressed in a mascot costume. And that, my friends, is right when this movie veers off the standard path straight into the absurdity gorge. It also foreshadows that this is no ordinary kitchen, it is a murder kitchen. You will find out why later.

Meanwhile, in the penthouse box, the evil terrorist is taunting a secret service guy named Hallmark. Hallmark is the Allen to JCVD's John McClane. Eventually they even have the radio back and forth relationship until Hallmark says enough is enough and decides to help out, immediately getting killed for trying to steal the Time Cop's thunder. That happens later.

Right now, however, the terrorist sees that helicopters are trying to land cops on the roof of the stadium. He is not happy with this, so he has one of his minions shoot the people out of the sky with a rocket launcher. Not the copter mind you. That would be too easy. Nah, he's just going to blow up cops to prove his point.  I find this to be a much more evil way to say "don't fuck with me."

Then we kinda get a pseudo-montage of JCVD defusing bombs, but not before he stabs a terrorist in the throat with a chicken bone. I have no idea why he back-tracked to the kitchen. I guess it was because he did not use all of the weapons at his disposal the first time.

Come to think of it, I don't quite remember how he figured out there were bombs everywhere, but the fact the lead terrorist blew up cars in the parking lot for no reason may have tipped him off.  This dude does not do anything half-assed. He will blow up everything. Including random buildings across the street for no discernible reason. There is, no lie, a scene where the dude with a rocket launcher on the roof just starts blasting away at buildings.

Things get tenser, and the lead terrorist kills some more hostages. Hallmark comes in and gets killed. JCVD gets a hold of one of the dead terrorist's walkie talkies and talks to his little girl and then the lead terrorist and grills him out for a bit. This leads to the boss terrorist to send underlings after JCVD.

Naturally this leads to JCVD , in the middle of game 7 of the Stanley Cup, to go undercover as the Pittsburgh Penguins' goalie.  The movie then, for a brief period of time, plays just like a Mighty Ducks flick. Can JCVD roundhouse kick his way out of a breakaway? 

The answer is yes. He stops one shot and then starts beating up the rival team for, well, no real reason. I guess to cause a ruckus? Or get himself ejected? If so, why the hell did he choose this disguise anyway?

After this we get the climactic finale. I will not spoil anything but these are some things that happen:

- JCVD scales the arena and throws terrorists off the roof.
- Helicopters explode
- Scoreboards explode
- The Penguins win the Stanley Cup
- JCVD wins the love of his children that I didn't realize he had lost
- The Vice President is rescued
- The Penguins win the Stanley Cup

I may or may not have listed that twice to convince some of my Pittsburghian friends to watch the movie.

Perhaps with a case or two of Iron City?

At my place?

What I'm saying, readers, is bring me beer.

Oh, and watch this movie. 

UNCLE SAM

Today is the tenth anniversary of 9/11 and I am going to do something special here at Camp Counseling. This blog is supposed to be light and fun, and I am not going to comment on the atrocities that happened seemingly yesterday. The last thing anyone needs is a bummer.

Instead, I am going to talk about a movie that features a fighter pilot rising from the grave to kill people who hate America. Maybe it's a little bit of wish fulfillment, but I don't care. I love this movie.

Uncle Sam entered my life when I was a kid or young teenager. Somewhere in the late 90's. I grew up a few blocks from a video store that went through countess different name changes. My personal favorite was Moovies, but that's because a cow shilling straight-to-video slasher flicks from the 90's is a mental image I can never not love. I would go there damn near daily during the summer because the crap movies could be rented for 69 cents a pop. That is how I saw every single Godzilla movie up to that time in the span of a week and discovered my love of Charles Bronson.

Now, I am not going to lie, when it comes to campy movies, sometimes you can judge a book by its cover, and man the art for Uncle Sam just told me I had to see it. The only time I ever got burned by this method was with a movie titled Plankton, which I thought would be perfect but it did not, in fact, feature killer plankton. Boy was I cross with that.

The point I am trying to make, in my round-about way, that this movie is special to me. It may not be the best example of what makes Camp Counseling what it is, but I know you all will dig on it. And to prove this, I am not reviewing this movie. Instead, I will have a group of people watch it with me and I will post their reactions/mini-reviews. I always say that this blog is not so much about telling you if a movie is good or bad, but more telling you why you need to see a movie. I am putting my money where my mouth is here with this.

N. Krabtree writes:

"I used to think I knew what it meant to be an American. But a boy named Jody Baker changed that, today. No longer am I an American. I am a fucking terrorist who deserves to die at the hands of our greatest American icon, Uncle Sam. Well, not the Uncle Sam, really, just a Sam who happens to be an uncle. Not much else makes me want to devote my life to this great country than the constant threat of some child’s undead uncle killing me for dropping an American flag on the ground. Or for not recycling. Drinking imported beer...

Uncle Sam was not entertainment. It was a life changing experience. God Bless America."

Jimmy-Dean C. writes:

"The 1996 super-natural thriller Uncle Sam certainly is a film that burns a fire deep under the heart of any true American. As opposed to films like We Were Soldiers or Saving Private Ryan, Uncle Sam is the only super-natural film that can make you sympathize with a rapist-turned-zombie as he hunts down flag burners, hippies and corrupt politicians. But while this burn-victim bully paves a path of terror the real monster in this film, and really the main source of joy, is the ten-year old nephew Jodie. Jodie has some issues, one of them being him probably being a dyed in the wool sociopath. Ever served in the army? Nope? YOU’RE DEAD!!! And truly the real spirit of the film isn’t found in Uncle Sam’s slayings but in Jodie being an absolute dick to everyone. This is served on a double dish of absolutely amazing dresses, Isaac Hayes firing anything he can get his hands on and a mystical, blind fireworks victim who is going to truly make you “Deal with it.” In the end Uncle Sam is a film that launches a cannon ball full of nationalistic-fueled passion into any red, white and blue soul." 

 A. Corder writes:

"This movie.

This. Movie.

This.

Movie.

It's not a movie I'd watch on my own, that's for sure. But having a group of people to point things out and laugh at is the most essential component of any bad not boring movie watching, and that's exactly what we had. There were lots of little things that made it great, like the mom rubbing some cream on Jodie's foot as it bled like crazy, then telling him to fuck off and go to sleep, or the way the blind kid was always so blunt and confident about everything he said when he had no way to even tell what the hell was going on, and so on. But I've gotta say, my favorite part was when I called out Uncle Sam as a zombie, and then BOOM HE WAS A GODDAMN ZOMBIE.

Also the dicktalk throughout, because boy howdy do I looooove me some dicks mm mmm."

Janet G. writes:

"Holy shit. Just Holy Shit. Let me preface this by saying: Holy shit this movie a special kind of crazy.

 This movie starts off on a strong foot, maybe the best scene even, where a guy with the voice of a man who smokes 80 packs a day and kinda looks like Charles Bronson if he were 90. The movie stars what has got to be the most psychotic kid I've ever seen, he's the next Audy Murphy the way I'm looking at it, what with his obsession for going into the military and kicking non-American ass. His uncle sam dies in Kuwait, which was shown in the scene with Smokey McBronson, and the kid (whose name is Jody haha, sucks for that kid) thought he was the best thing since Apple Pie and American flags.

But skipping all the boring reasons why his uncle COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD TO KILL PEOPLE WHO JODY PERCEIVES AS NOT UPHOLDING AMERICAN MILITARY VALUES.

Kid's a psycho, and god bless him for this hour and a half of crazy.

The kills are pretty darn good in this movie so I'll refrain from spoiling any of them for any who've not been blessed by William Lustig's magnum opus, watch it on netflix streaming asap.

Uhh, did I forget anything? There's some other characters too, I guess, like a blind kid who can see the future(?) and a black guy with a great voice and acts like he has a prosthetic leg, also some pretty great dresses (this is sarcasm).

I'd give it 4 uhhh's out of 5." 

M. Niihara writes:

 "ALL RIGHT SO

UNCLE SAM.

This movie was quite amazing. Not the movie itself of course. Oh no. It blew. But the discussion was fun! Those dresses were fantastic, and by fantastic I mean 'hideous.' I think my favorite parts of the movie were when everyone was reacting to an Uncle Sam kill. "Why did he do that?" we would ask. "That wasn't fair! That wasn't just!" We were expecting the zombie Uncle Sam who was also a rapist to be rational and just in his murders. That is a silly thing to expect! But I expected it as well! I am apparently quite irrational! And that fucking KID. Choadie. He was a psychopath, and that was enjoyable. All playing with his G.I. Joes after declaring he was in mourning. And the blind kid who somehow could tactically assess a combat situation! What was that, I ask you. WHAT WAS THAT?" 

Okay, so not everyone took this seriously, and that is exactly what I wanted. I had a few other people watch this and not give me their thoughts. Bully on them, but I can't change that. Some people don't like homework after watching a masterpiece like this.

I hope others' enthusiasm will make you want to track down this or any of the other movies I review. I sincerely love everything about this blog and every movie I watch. I don't call myself a reviewer or a critic or anything remotely similar. I appreciate these movies. Movies that were made to entertain and nothing else. There is a place for them in this world, and I honestly feel that if every flick released had to have a serious message or try to jerk those tears right up out of you, the world would be much worse. Sometimes you need a simple, ineptly told story about insane jingoism to pass the time.

Next week I promise not to be all emotional. But for now, for today, why not let a little heart shine through?

BLACK PANTHER: EPISODES ELEVEN AND TWELVE

This is, uh, kind of embarrassing but I actually completely fell asleep in the middle of typing up last night's entry. Like straight up drooling, snoring sleep. It was a horrific sight.

I shoulda taken pictures. To make up for it, I promise to not post the Black Panther theme in this entry.

Let's get this party started, shall we?

So, Black Panther starts this episode straight up telling Klaw to kill his mother because he stone cold don't give a fuck, as he's gonna murderize Klaw anyway. T'Challa can be a royal prick sometimes. I will not apologize for that pun.

The credits role and Batroc makes jokes about kissing women and Klaw shoots lasers out of his hand, while T'Shawn and a flight attendant talk about banging Duder in his lady body. They don't know he is Duder, obviously. Or not so obviously. I would not put it past the creators of this show to make it likewise.

Meanwhile, Black Panther's mother beats up Klaw, the foxy bodyguards beat up Batroc, and Black Panther's Uncle gets his leg shot off by Klaw's magic laser hand. The show, at this point, has given up on story and goes straight for action. Poorly paced, poorly animated action.

Then we see Deathloks, Storm showing how boss she is, Nigandan soldiers get shot up, dogs and cats live together, and it may just be the apocalypse. I don't know how this can get better.

Oh wait, Klaw enters the internet. That's right, it turns into Hackers.

While Klaw is hacking the gibson, Shuri discovers the Ebony Blade of the Black Knight and is immediately better than him with it. Well, it's the Ebony Blade and well, Black Knight was a white guy, so I am failing to see the symbolism here. I do, however, really want to eat a black and white cookie.

Oh, and I was remiss, in previous entries to post about the theme made especially for the Black Panther's Flying Motorcycle. I will not post a clip of it here, it is something you really really need to hear. It is the catchiest song I think I have heard. That does not, however, make it good. It does, however, make it hilarious. We get to hear this theme again as Black Panther jacks into the internet and Storm destroys all the Deathloks.

I wish words could justify the insanity of the Black Panther/Klaw internet fight. You just, you just need to see it. I can however describe Shuri straight cutting Radioactive Man in half and his slo-mo fall into oblivion. It is straight absurdity. It leads to Duder stealing T'Shawn's body and more of the internet fight.

Anyway, Black Panther kills Klaw, Batroc the Leaper surrenders like a little bitch, and the remaining Deathloks totally pretend they were not there to take over but to help. Those crafty zombie soldiers!

We see Wakanda supervillain prison, there's lot of hugging, and the Black President talks street with T'Challa.

The End.

Oh, and SYKE

BLACK PANTHER: EPISODE TEN

 

It's all out pandemonium.

Everything in this episode is a set-up for the action to happen in the next episode. 

There really isn't much to dissect. 

It is pretty much a montage of an episode.

Oh and Klaw tries to force T'Challa to kill himself.

That is a thing that happens.

But, if this truly is a montage, I wonder what music it should be set to?

Yeah, that's the ticket.

UNDEFEATABLE

There are numerous reasons I am reviewing this movie, but first and foremost is because of a certain video on the internet that spoils the final fight of this movie. Now, I am not saying that said fight is not one of the most absurd and hilarious things ever filmed, but it doesn't really capture the essence of what Undefeatable is. It is only one, tiny component of the sheer lunacy that boiled over and spilled out this flick. And, god help me I hate saying this, that one clip doesn't have enough backstory (a dreaded word in Camp Counseling), to have you laugh as completely as you should.

Undefeatable, much like Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare, is also one of the reasons I started this blog. I can't count the number of times I have seen at least part of this movie, nor has it ever been anything but an unadulterated delight every time I have. Even though I can recite every stilted, head-scratching one-liner, I still grin like my veins are pumped full of nitrous oxide every time one of the characters flatly delivers it. It is a joyous work of complete and utter ineptitude that it's a siren's call to me every time I find it playing on television or see it peeking at me on my DVD rack. I may not watch it every single time, but I know it will always be there to thoroughly entertain me.

Also it helps that Cynthia Rothrock is the cutest of the 80's Action ladies. While the competition was anything but fierce, having the queen of 80's Action be a looker in the same way that, say, Molly Ringwald was a looker, is an advantage. I am also not ashamed  to admit that, even to this day, I have kind of a crush on Mrs. Rothrock.  It is impossible not to get a crush on her during this movie because she will use any excuse to do a split and show off her cleavage. Not even Gymkata has more people doing splits than Cynthia Rothrock does in Undefeatable.  I take this as a boon because while Kurt Thomas is a real life Gumbercules, he's very much a butterface.

What am I even doing in this entry? This is a lot of set-up for a review about a movie where the main character doesn't even fight in the climactic finale that involves a dude flexing his shirt off.

As for the plot of the movie, I refuse to spoil it for you. I could make a myriad of jokes about every single scene, but I am not going to do it. Not only would this entry would be about seventeen pages long, but I wouldn't even begin to scratch the surface of this gem.  I'll still summarize it in a paragraph or two, but I can't do a scene by scene deconstruction, as there is way too much to deconstruct. Not a single scene goes by where something completely ridiculous doesn't happen. Not a single frame is wasted on competence and compelling story-telling. Not a single millisecond isn't the funniest thing you have ever seen. In terms of the criteria I use to judge a movie as good, this movie is downright perfect.  Alas, though, I must soldier on.

Undefeatable is the story of...well, I have no fucking clue who the main character is supposed to be, but I guess Cynthia Rothrock because her name is the biggest in the credits. Anyway, Cynthia Rothrock is a waitress named Kristi who kung fu fights hooligans for fat stacks of cash on the side to help put her sister through medical school. Also starring in this movie is a detective named Nick DeMarco. He totally knows all the martial arts and beats up people who rob what appears to be a pizza shop. Meanwhile, there's this guy named Stingray who is jacked in the head and gets off on beating the living tar out of anything that moves. Kristi gets arrested after totally pulverizing one of many stereotypical black guys (don't worry, the Asians are even more stereotypical and also barely speak good English) into the ground and meets who will soon be her cop buddy, Nick DeMarco. Also, his stereotypically way too New York Italian partner is there. Anyway, Stingray's wife leaves him after seeing a shrink and he goes on a murder rampage because his mom ditched him to bang other dudes when he was a teenager. Somehow, as if by magic, all these stupid plots converge when Stingray kills Kristi's sister (like 45 minutes into the movie), and Kristi turns into the worst Batman. Oh, and Nick wants to bring Stingray down because the mayor has his stupid chief's balls in a vice.

Honestly, that paragraph was harder to write than I thought it would be, and it makes more sense than I thought it would. Undefeatable is, dare I say it, undescribable. 

Anytime I can work a pun into these entries, my ego is satiated. But, this is not the time for ego wanking. Let's get down to the brass tacks of what makes this movie so guldarn special, shall we?

The acting has to take front and center when you are talking about how hilarious this movie really is. Every single cast member has the complete and utter inability to emote. All the acting is flat. And when I say flat, I mean that not a single ounce of effort is put into anything said. It is beyond teleprompter reading. There is not a single iota of conviction behind any sound that comes out of any of the actor's mouth holes.The acting is so flat it makes TV's Frank look like Richard Burton. The acting is so flat that if you looked at it sideways, it would disappear. The acting is  flatter than Kitty pre-boob job -- surfboard acting at its finest. It is almost an odd delight as the actors try to move their hands around and put some sort of emphasis behind everything they say, but the just cannot emote. They are like robots, almost, but even Robbie the Robot had more range than this chuckleheads.

The plot, which, again, I won't really spoil, is another factor that makes this movie spectacular. It just does not care about making sense of having any sense of propriety or timing. Things just roll along and then maybe something bad will happen to change the course but it doesn't really effect things. It has this strange way of both plodding along and jumping violently ahead at the same time. The fact that the three characters' stories only tangentially interact with each other for the longest time does not make things better, but somehow makes things funner. It is just a bizarre sense of both not giving a fuck and really wanting to tell a story. Only not having the talent to do either.

When it comes to pacing/editing, I will  have to spoil one thing. There is a part, early in the movie, where Nick is investigating Stingray's first murder victim. From off-screen, presumably filmed somewhere else, a uniformed cop tells him that he has a call. Nick walks towards him and straight into the next scene. . He takes like three steps and bam, new scene in a new location with a whole new dead body.

There are a myriad of other little things I could harp on. I honestly am restraining myself because this, more than any movie I have ever reviewed, needs to be witnessed with as clean of a slate as possible. In fact, this doesn't even feel like a review, but more a plea to get you to watch this movie. You, readers, need to witness this. You need to see Cynthia Rothrock act her little heart out without raising her voice. You need to bear witness to the glory that is Bear. You need to bask in the glow of Stingray's childhood trauma. You need to see all of these things without knowing what you are in for other than fun.

I guess why I am so big on this movie is because of that clip, and because of things like Superdickery and all its ilk. I am tired of people seeing only a single clip or a comic book cover and assuming that is the zenith of zaniness. It isn't. Crack open that comic, flip on that flick, bury yourself in that book. I promise you that while you have only seen the tip, that crazy iceberg has so much more to offer you in its underwater core.

Undefeatable, more than any movie I have reviewed, proves exactly this.

BLACK PANTHER: EPISODE NINE

Black Panther's rage smolders much like the still broken television, but he claims to be happy because he can murder all his enemies in one place. I wonder if he is happy enough to have a dance party. And, if you are having a party, I cannot imagine not playing this little ditty:

You can't not sway to this funky beat. You know it to be true.

Anyway, The United States uses the goings on as an excuse to send their Deathloks over, then the credits roll.

After the credits, my single favorite scene in all of animation happens. Part of this is because of nerd knowledge and part of it is because it absolutely revels in making the X-Men look like the biggest bunch of chumps ever.

Okay, so Storm, who is not a telepath, is using the machine designed solely for telepaths to find the Juggernaut. Now, if you don't know, Juggernaut's stupid little helmet is actually designed to block any telepahtic attack. So, the machine that Storm shouldn't be able to use wouldn't be able to find him.

Storm remarks that Juggernaut straight up schooled the X-Men, because she wasn't there, and they are a bunch of punks. Now, he's in Wakanada, where the Black Panther resides. Cyclops tries to be a leader, but he is such a weenie that Storm tells him to slow his roll and stay behind. Wolverine suggests that Storm is going back to ride T'Challa's bony rollercoaster. Storm shuts him down, tells the X-Men they can't come, and just strolls out, leaving Cyclops a blubbering, babbling mess.

This exchange follows:

Wolverine: Way to lead to team, Scott.
Cyclops: Shut up Logan, you're just jealous.
Wolverine (eying Nightcrawler): Nah, he's jealous.
Nightcrawler: Vell, kind of, but you are too. 

Yeah, that's right. The X-Men have a childish exchange arguing about how jealous they are of Storm.  

Honestly, if I have to tell you more about the episode after that, you are dead to me, reader.

BLACK PANTHER: EPISODE EIGHT

This episode, man.

This episode. 

Riding on the high of poop jokes and evil dictators, the first thing we see is a somber, praying Black Knight. He is kneeling, head on his sword, the whole shebang. He clearly takes his praying seriously. However, he is in the hilariously named Niganda, so you kind of lose any and all power when the font that labels everything on Isla Nublar is used to promote a fictional African country named Niganda. 

I will never get over that name,

Anyway, Klaw saunters up and ruins this moment by asking the Black Knight to give a wicked rad speech to make his troops murder Wakandans but good. Black Knight then goes on a spiel about loving Jesus and asking if Klaw loves Jesus too and Klaw totally lies.

We then have the most ridiculous aping of the St. Crispin's Day speech of all time, complete with Juggernaut talking about murderin' for Jesus and Batroc being French and dismissive and snooty about the whole dealio. Batroc is the hipster of the group. I hate hipsters. Especially French assassin hipsters.

After the speech, we watch T'Challa hallucinate about being chewed up and spit out by a giant white panther. I am trying to find the symbolism here, but I just can't quite put my finger on it. In said dream, after being broken into pieces, his foxy bodyguards put him back together.

The same bodyguards that have not been seen outside of the opening.

This opening:

Fuckin' A right I was gonna get it in this entry. I bet you thought I would cop out and just tack it on the end, didn't you?

I ain't play that game.

So, after waking up from his totally not symbolic dream, T'Challa runs down to the war room where things are going nuts.

This leads to the ridiculous Juggernaut charging through Wakanda sequence. Now, I said before his animation was shit, but man when they are building him up as a force to be reckoned with yet his movements looks as if a man with no arms on a Jazzy could lap him, the disconnect is delightfully hilarious.

As Juggernaut slowly plows through buildings, the Black Knight takes to the skies and trash talks heathen Wakandans as he cuts their planes in half while riding on his flying horse. Dude just cannot stand no pagans who don't even have a milliliter of the Holy Spirit in 'em.

And while that is going on, the Radioactive Man shoots himself in a missile and lands in the vibranium mines. Shuri is there, and some dude says he's gonna protect her with his big wrench. Radioactive Man melts this dude's face off.

Since everything is going to hell, T'Challa calls the evil Unbutu, the dictator from the previous episode and threatens to decapitate him. Unbutu mentions Klaw.

The Black Panther punches a television.